So, I dated a guy who looked exactly like Drake.

7 May

Well, to be clear, he looked exactly like this version of Drake:

image

Only his hair was slightly worse and he had a gap betwixt his front teeth and was 34 years-old. Yes, I dated a grown-ass man who looked like this.

I had hopes that I would make my Unfortunate Drake fall in love with me and then convince him to cut his hair and change his wardrobe and take a shower and fix his teeth and get contacts and basically become a totally different person. I now realize that this was evil and nasty and horrid of me, but I was, in a fucked up way, trying to help him.

I would show him pictures of Drake and tell him that he favored him in the hopes that one day he’d look at me with tears in his eyes and say “I want to go to there.” I’d know what he’d mean and I’d take his hand and lead him to the shower and then to the mall and then to the orthodontist and then the barber shop and I’d have my very own Drake and be in love and ignore the fact that Unfortunate Drake and I had almost no chemistry and that he was kind of gross.

This did not happen, of course. Instead we went on six awkward dates before he told me that he wasn’t interested in me romantically. BURN.

I mention all of this because this picture of Drake

image

just came to my attention and at first I laughed because he’s just so awkward with his mouth open and his derp eyes and his little elbows. And then I got sad because oh my god, he looks SO MUCH like Unfortunate Drake here and I was reminded that I could not keep the interest of a 34 year-old virgin who was heavily involved in Star Wars cosplay and creative anachronism.

So thanks a lot, Aubrey, for totally ruining my Tuesday afternoon by posing for candid photos with your mouth open and somehow accentuating the fact that your arms seem to be too long for your body which sadly only makes me that much more attracted to you.

Asshole.

For Yomoba.

3 Responses to “So, I dated a guy who looked exactly like Drake.”

  1. Yomoba May 7, 2013 at 6:41 pm #

    A billion lols! Thanks for the dedication love :) and this picture has made my night (its 11.37pm over here). His vulnerability and little derping eyes and general awkssss nature just makes him so much hotter and almost obtainable (maybe? somehow? PLEASE TELL ME ITS POSSIBLE!)

    I cant believe you dated somebody who looked like pre-adonis Drake. You didn’t miss out to be honest; he doesn’t sound like he had any of Drakes sweet nature/awkward yet arrogantness/love of strippers!

    Lots o’ luff!

    xxxxxxxx

    • Ambrosia Jones May 7, 2013 at 6:48 pm #

      Oh boy. Um, actually, Unfortunate Drake confessed on one of our dates (to The Olive Garden, no less) that he’d had an addiction to strippers/strip clubs because for a long time that was the only way he could see/touch/smell/talk to/look at a woman, or more specifically, tits.

      I. . . I am so ashamed. And a tid bit bummed that I deleted his phone number.

      So glad you enjoyed the post!

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